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Carpenters Union Local 409 has declared “that’s some real nice wood.” Rent-A-Wheel’s Bakersfield location Associate Manager says, “love those murdered out 12′s.”

Dodge Museum’s curator says, “Impressive,” while the Mayor of Kansas City, Missouri is petitioning for the return of the city’s most iconic motor vehicle. “It’s not every day a vehicle of this stature rolls through your streets.”

Ferrari F1 Racing Team manager Luigi Rigitoni requested it’s use for wind tunnel testing due to aerodynamic efficiencies. “Questo è il più grande macchina mai fatto!” he exclaimed.

Everything above is false, except for the fact that we are indeed giving away this awesome van to a KROQ winner this Friday.

You will marvel at the strip club customer who died after too many lapdances…

You will wince at the professional boxer who died 32 seconds into the first round of his first fight…

You will sympathize with the man who hired a real-life porn star to have sex with him when afterward she killed him with a hammer.

And you will cringe at the woman who settled a parking space dispute with another driver by killing him with a well-placed testicle squeeze!

Ouch!

Hear the latest Bean’s Death Corner from the Kevin & Bean Show right here:

Want more information on any of this week’s stories?

Death By Lapdance here, courtesy Fox 8 in Cleveland.

World’s worst boxer here, thanks to Sydney Morning Herald.

Drunk guy who tries to sober up by lifting weights here, via MyFoxDC.com.

Woman kills a man by squeezing him and his testicles to death here, according to ChinaNews24.

The man who hired an actual famous porn star to service him. She threw in beating him to death with a hammer for no extra charge. Story here, says the Huffington Post.

The rare Death Corner story with a happy ending as corpse wakes up at funeral here, from the Associated Press.

Listen, people, be careful out there. Try not to die but if you do, make it count.

One team had a horrible season and the other is headed to the Stanley Cup Finals!

Let’s say you work at a local television station and you’re not a hockey fan, that’s OK. But is it too much to ask for you to do, I don’t know, 30 seconds of research? Seriously. Don’t be bad. Watch a few examples of TV being bad.

Fox 11 doesn’t know any of the players names.

CBS 2 doesn’t know who Bailey is.

Nice work. Sacramento Kings logo:

At least NBC apologized for their mistake.

And here’s a little cheat sheet from the L.A. Kings in case you are still confused. Click here.

There were definitely some surprises on this year’s list (Kate Upton at #39??) but all-in-all they’ve assembled yet another amazing list of hotties, aside from Stephen Colbert coming in at #69 due to the massive write-in votes from the “Colbert Nation.”

100. Dominique Storelli

Dominique Storelli (Photo: Maxim.com)- Click to enlarge

99. Poppy Montgomery

98. Anahí

97. Kat Dennings

96. Nadia G.

95. Layla El

94. Alexandra Breckinridge

93. La La Anthony

92. Amanda Knox

91. Claire Coffee

90. Bria Murphy

89. Dalena Henriques

88. Jacqueline MacInnes Wood

87. Paulina Gretzky

86. Caroline Wozniaki

85. Lois Griffin

84. Nina Dobrev

Nina Dobrev (Photo: Maxim.com) – Click to enlarge

83. Dania Ramirez

82. April Rose

81. Pippa Middleton

80. Stana Katic

79. Nicki Minaj

78. Kirby Bliss Blanton

77. Christina Hendricks

76. Teresa Palmer

75. Jessica Rafalowski

74. JWOWW

73. Abby Elliott

72. Kellie Pickler

71. Sofía Vergara

70. Michelle Dockery

69. Stephen Colbert

68. Miley Cyrus

67. Rebecca Mader

66. Alex Morgan

65. Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders (Photo: Maxim.com) – Click to enlarge

64. Maria Menounos

63. Dawn Olivieri

62. Vanessa Hudgens

61. Kristen Bell

60. Shakira

59. Amanda Bynes

58. Arianny Celeste

57. Lee Newton

56. Lily Collins

55. Emma Roberts

54. Katharine McPhee

53. Amber Heard

52. Jordana Brewster

51. Stacy Keibler

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According to a release from the White-owned label, Third Man Records, he has already begun his quest. “During the rest of the performances on his current tour supporting his new album “Blunderbuss” (which incidentally is currently in the running for the world record of “the fastest named album in history” *pending), Jack White will every night on stage attempt to break the world record for most metaphors in a single concert.”

The comically written official statement continues, “Third Man Records encourages all attendees of said concerts to please not interfere or interject with any metaphors that they witness occur during the show as to not disqualify or worse yet, trivialize the metaphor in question.”

During a concert Saturday night in Gulf Shores, Alabama, White attempted his record-breaking attempt. Unfortunately the effort was derailed when “Mr. White trivialized a metaphor by saying it too quickly. It was something about the moon being a faucet of light but was uttered too fast to be counted.”

‘Til that point, Guinness officials who’d been flown out from Britain, had counted thousands of metaphors. Some were lyrical and others were inspired by things he saw on stage or audience members clothing.

According to Third Man, Guinness representatives will return to watch the next night’s show to begin the “exhaustive, scientific, and absolutely authoritative and factual process all over again.”

As White rolls on with his Blunderbuss tour, he still has plenty of opportunity to set his record, assuming he can get the Guinness officials to stick around.

May 22 – New York, NY – Roseland Ballroom
May 24 – Detroit, MI – Scottish Rite Theater
May 24 – Detroit, MI – Scottish Rite Theater
May 26 – George, WA – Sasquatch Music Festival
May 27 – Vancouver, BC – Queen Elizabeth Theatre
May 28 – Eugene, OR – Hult Center for the Performing Arts
May 30 – Los Angeles, CA – The Wiltern
May 31 – Los Angeles, CA – The Wiltern
June 21 – London, UK – O2 Academy Broxton
June 22 – London, UK – Hammersmith Apollo
June 23 – Hackney Marshes, London, Hackney Weekend
June 25 – Amsterdam, NL – Heineken Music Hall
June 26 – Berlin, Germany – Tempodrom
June 27 – Cologne, Germany – E-Werk
June 29 -Werchter, Belgium – Rock Werchter
July 1 – Belfort, France – Les Eurockeennes
July 2 – Paris, France – L’Olympia
July 3 – Paris, France – L’Olympia
July 5 – Hamburg, Germany – Docks
July 5-8 – Roskilde, Denmark – Roskilde Festival
July 20-22 – Dover, Delaware – Firefly Music Festival
July 25 – Melbourne, Australia – Festival Hallm
July 26 – Sydney, Australia – Hordern Pavillion
July 27 – Byron Bay, Australia – Splendour In The Grass Festival
July 27-29 – Niigata, Japan – Fuji Rock Festival
August 3-5 – Chicago, IL – Lollapalooza
August 8 – Morrison, CO – Red Rocks Amphitheater
August 10-12 – San Francisco, CA – Outside Lands

Sunday night at the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center, Kat Von D showed off her musical side. For the first time ever in front of an audience, the tattooed, self-proclaimed rocker sat down behind a piano and performed along side Danny Lohner from Nine Inch Nails and Wes Borland from Limp Bizkit at Linda Perry’s annual “An Evening With Women” event.

Kat performed Bronski Beat’s “Small Town Boy,” the band’s debut single back in 1984 which quickly rose to hit status, cementing them as one of the Britain’s key players in the mid-80′s synth-pop movement.

Now on stage, @thekatvond making her debut performance for the first time ever with the crowd at #aeww!—
LA Gay & Lesbian Cen (@LAGayCenter) May 20, 2012

@RealLindaPerry thanks for letting me a part of it all. Still feeling honoured and very grateful. Xo.—
Kat Von D (@thekatvond) May 21, 2012

The original 1984 video by Bronski Beat.

“I’ve been passionate about music all my life,” Kat told E! News last October. “I’ve been playing classical piano since I was six.”

According to the Kat, she’s set her sights on writing and recording an album. She sites Depeche Mode and The Cure among her influences and her debut album will likely feature nods to both groups. She continues, “I think it’s much like tattooing or the TV show or makeup, my clothing line, fashion,” she said. “All those things, they’re just different outlets to be able to be creative. So music, I think it’s going to be one of those things.”

No word on when her debut album will be released and who she’s collaborating with.