Movie Beat 1/13/12 – Beauty & The Beast, Joyful Noise, Contraband

Mark Wahlberg and Ben Foster in Contraband

Big weekend for movies if you like choirs and drugs! It’s an off week. Listen, we’re past the holiday blockbusters, and we’re getting into award season, which means the movie studios have already released their top contenders. It’s a sluggish time of year for new releases, but this week we have Beauty and the Beast being re-released in 3D, Joyful Noise, and Contraband.

Beauty and the Beast 3D:

Of course you remember this Disney classic! ♫♫♫ Tale as old as time ♫♫♫ Want me to sing it for you? I can do the whole thing! ♫♫♫ Be our guest! Be our guest! ♫♫♫ Beauty and the beeeeeeaaaasssttt ♫♫♫

It’s the tale of a young lady who runs across a beast, and it turns out he’s a prince who’s been cursed, much like Prince has been cursed, only not with purpleness and shortness. It’s in 3D now! That’s the difference! Disney is apparently re-releasing all of their animated classics in 3D. Look, it adds more millions of dollars to the profit. Who can blame ‘em, right?

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Joyful Noise:

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That choir movie I was telling you about, finally, the screening pairing we’ve been waiting for – Queen Latifa and Dolly Parton have teamed up. For years, they’ve been saying, “Why don’t they make a movie with Queen Latifa and Dolly Parton?”

Dolly Parton plays a choir member, and Queen Latifa’s in the same choir, and they have differing opinions on how to win the national choir competition, but have to put those differences aside for the good of the town, so that everyone can come together and join in on what we call a “joyful noise.”

Isn’t that joyful? How can you not love a Joyful Noise? I’ll tell you how! I’ve got a two-word review for Joyful Noise – FECAL NOISE! That’s my review! Put that on your poster, Joyful Noise! Eff you! EFF YOU, damn ass choir movie with Dolly Parton and Queen Latifa! Who do you think you are, movie company, to pull these kind of shenanigans? We won’t stand for it and I predict people will stay away in droves this weekend.

Contraband:

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Mark Wahlberg stars in this film with Kate Beckinsale, and Giovanni Ribisi. This is the story of a former criminal who tries to get out of that life and live the good life with his beautiful wife and family, but you know what happens? His past drags him back in! He’s pulled back in for one last score and things go wrong. What do they do? They take his family! He’s gotta use all of his old skills to try to take revenge back on the people who have hurt his family and to take his family back.

I know this story may sound fresh to you, and like anything you’ve ever seen before, but I’m telling you that’s what this movie’s about. It sounds crazy, but we haven’t seen this since… when did Taken come out??? Oh, not so long ago. This looks ok. It looks standard. It’s action packed. It’s got a lot of guns and stuff going on. For Kevin, it’s a 10. For the rest of us, it’s a 5. It’s a movie we’ve all seen before, is what I’m saying, but this time, we’ll see it with Mark Wahlberg.

You know how Bean wants to get a haircut in all 50 states? Giovanni Ribisi wants to do a weird voice in 50 different movies. I think that’s his new entertainment for himself. I have a two-word review for Contraband: FECALBAND!

Just spend some time with your families and stay out of the theaters.
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