Movie Beat 11/11/11: Melancholia, Jack And Jill, Immortals, J. Edgar

Henry Cavill as Theseus in Immortals

There’s a few things opening up this weekend including Melancholia, Jack and Jill, Immortals, and J. Edgar. Are any worth seeing? Decide for yourself.

Melancholia:

Lars von Trier, the effed up weirdo director, directs this effed up weirdo movie, starring effed up weirdo actress, Kirsten Dunst, with her effed up weirdo teeth.

Here’s the premise: a broad and her sister have an estranged relationship that gets more complex because a planet is going to collide into Earth and end the world. Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Bean loves it. “Everyone on the Earth dies? I’m in! Get me some popcorn.” Eff this movie! Can we also agree on Kirsten Dunst? Not hot and not good! How does she keep getting movie roles??? She was talented at 8, but she grew up and her talent did not!

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Jack and Jill:

I’ve never been so filled with rage for a Movie Beat before! In Jack and Jill, Adam Sandler plays Jack AND his twin sister, Jill! And they’re Jack and Jill and they’re twins and she’s so annoying and chaos ensues when she comes to stay for the holidays.

Listen to me. Listen up. Everyone involved in this motion picture, if you had any decency at all, you’d take your own life. there would be some sort of mass suicide on that bridge in Pasadena where everyone jumps. Just meet there today at noon, hold hands, and leap to your deaths! You mother effers! By the way, it has a perfect ZERO on Rotten Tomatoes!

Immortals:

This is buff dudes, oiled up, in loin cloths, fighting with swords, taking on the gods. This is Greek mythology and gods and swordplay (including the metal kind). Think 300. That’s it. I might be a little gay by the time I’m done watching it because these fellas are exceptional, especially Henry Cavill, who will, of course, be Superman. He comes face to face with Hyperion, played by Mickey Rourke, and the two of them square off. It’s all about swords and sorcery and killing and slaying and war. I’m all about this one.

J. Edgar:

Leonardo DiCaprio plays the legendary J. Edgar Hoover, the man who pretty much, single-handedly built the FBI. It was a remarkable run he had from his 20s, all the way up to his 70s at the time of his death. Rumor has it that he liked the fellas, which is funny because he would use people’s closeted homosexuality against them often in these secret files that he kept on politicians and entertainers to try to manipulate the power struggle that was Washington DC.

I get the sense that when you watch this movie you will appreciate the performance, but I’d say you’re probably hard-pressed to lose yourself in J. Edgar. Sometimes it’s ok just to go see a movie to marvel in the hard work that went into it. Clint Eastwood directs the film. He’s no slouch. He knows what he’s doing.