Why The World Cup Doesn’t Suck

I know, I know, soccer sucks. You’d rather watch the NFL, or the NBA, MLB. You know, good ol’ American sports. Golf was omitted on purpose because its’ not a sport. Golf is really just an excuse for guys to get out of the house and travel the world banging super hot waitresses in every city they visit.

Winning the Masters  – 1 ½ million dollars and a stupid green jacket.
Nike endorsement – 100 million dollars.
Erasing the texts from your whores BEFORE your wife sees them – Priceless.

But I digress. My original point was that soccer rules, and if you’re not on board, you drool. There. I said it.

The World Cup (the soccer world championships held every four years) is by FAR the biggest sporting event in the world. Unlike the Olympics, who fail, but try the best they can to keep professionals OUT of the competition, the World Cup is ALL ABOUT the superstars in the sport. The highest paid, youngest, most skilled soccer players in the world competing on all-star teams for their countries.

The 2010 World Cup is next June 11th – July 11th, in South Africa, but the qualifying rounds have been going on for about a full year already to narrow the field down from 200 countries to the 32 teams that are allowed to compete in the World Cup. That’s right, 168 countries have ALREADY lost the World Cup next year.  And by the way, if you want a conversation starter with someone Irish, just start talking about how the “French cheat”, and “that game” should be replayed.  You don’t even have to know what you’re talking about, and they’ll buy you pints of Guinness for life.

So just like the Final Four in College basketball there is a drawing to see which teams are in each group. That draw just happened for next year’s World Cup, and the U.S.  team got pretty lucky. First of all, we avoided the “Group of Death”, which includes Brazil, who have won the World Cup 5 times, and Portugal, who finished in 4th place in the last World Cup. The U.S. avoided Italy, the winner of the World Cup in 2006. And we avoided France, who played in the Final against Italy in 2006, and who are notorious stone-cold cheaters.  And there’s still that whole World War II fiasco as well. So France can eat a bag.

There are 8 groups, containing 4 teams each, and the top 2 teams from each group move on to the next round. The U.S. team’s first game will be against England. I wonder if the media will mention that Landon Donovan will be playing against David Beckham? Probably not.  The other two teams in our group are Algeria (like that place exists) and Slovenia (dumb). Is this too technical?

Here’s how I watch. I watch the U.S. team first and foremost, and then if the U.S. isn’t playing, I watch the team that has the hottest female fans.

Brazil? Yes. The best.

Korea? Yep.

Not sure where she’s from, but yes and yes.

Man or woman? Teeth lethal weapons? Portugal? Nope.com